


Candles

by IWLTxo



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: AU, Angst, M/M, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-01
Updated: 2014-02-01
Packaged: 2018-01-10 19:26:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1163552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IWLTxo/pseuds/IWLTxo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'All that matters is that he is still in love with you and if anything is to happen to me and Lily, we want the both of you taking care of Harry. Not just you and not just him. The both of you, together. You owe us that much.' A tale of the trials Sirius and Remus face all in the name of love. Slash, R/S, explicit scenes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Candles

**Disclaimer:** Harry Potter belongs to J.K Rowling.

**Warnings:** Swearing, somewhat graphic sexual content, violence, death.

This one-shot is inspired by the beautiful song  _Candles_ by Daughter. I recommend listening to the song whilst reading this long oneshot. Enjoy!

* * *

_Candles_

_xoxo_

If Sirius thinks hard enough, maybe he'll remember the pain and not just the bitterness. The  _pain_  of losing Remus over such trivial, silly things - wounds, long and frequent, have now torn their relationship wide apart. He heaves in a deep breath, trembling from maybe a little bit of fear, and the pain of course. Definitely the pain.

He's looking out over the gorgeous horizon. He finds beauty in clambering up the stairs of the small flats he moved into a few months ago, standing on the top of the trashy building, stripping until he's naked and laying down on a blanket as he faces the sky and enjoys the slight breeze gliding over his body. Gliding over his crotch and gently hardening the phallus.

There's something so exhilarating and thoroughly enjoyable to lying naked on the top of the flats and wanking off with nothing separating his pale body from the handsome night's sky.

The thought that brings him the most pain is that Remus hasn't even bothered to come over to the flat, to collect his stuff, to fight for their relationship the way Sirius wants to fight but can't find the bravery to do so.

He moans aloud, low and sultry, as his orgasms speeds towards him and rips through his body; but it leaves a painful tinge in Sirius's heart when he thinks about his time with Remus, the gorgeous brown eyes the other twenty year old has; the firm pretty lips; the slight hollowed dimples … the desire that always sends arousal cackling through Sirius whenever their irises connected.

He keens when he pictures those eyes, calling out and trembling violently as he coats his hand in cum. He shakes again and wipes his eyes with his other hand, sniffing and whimpering half in pain and half in pleasure.

If only Peter hadn't  _told_  Sirius, then he won't mind at all if Remus is off helping the Death Eaters and killing people with them. Because it's Remus and he'll kill a million for the man.

Sirius sits up and buries his face in his bare knees, shaking from the cold assaulting his body. They were together for years: kissing since Second Year, wanking each other off since Fourth Year, fucking since Fifth. Sirius has never had sex with someone other than Remus … well, actually, that changed recently. A few weeks ago, he picked up some whore from a bar and fucked her harder than he should have; especially when it took a five minute blow job and thoughts of Remus to even get him hard.

The point is, Sirius Black has never been with anyone other than Remus Lupin; werewolf, devoted lover... He shakes his head as he struggles not to think of the other man. Sirius slowly begins to dress, first his underwear, and then some jeans before finally ending with a top and some shoes. He descends the staircase slowly, five more flights before he is on the third floor and thirty seconds from the front door to his two bedroom flat.

He unlocks the door with a flip of his hand and steps inside the flat that has now been only his for three weeks. When Sirius is lounging on the sofa, watching the telly that Lily bought him for his birthday, he looks over to the picture frames lining the telly. The pictures have changed now, it's only Sirius in some of them, and in the one of the four Marauders, Lily and Harry, Remus and Sirius who had once been glued to one another are now so far apart, their sides have disappeared out of the frame.

Occasionally, Remus is sending heartbroken expressions to a stony-faced Sirius, who is stubbornly looking away from him.

Even their photographic selves have separated. Sirius hates the term  _"broke up"_  because what happened to them is so much worst than breaking up. He looks at the topless lady running down the street on the television and watches her with heavy eyes, willing the memories of Remus to go away.

Willing that little voice he has to speak with to reemerge - entertain him, distract him.

It doesn't work. A candle near him however burst into flames. He watches as the gold gets bigger, and like the sun, it banishes the moon for a short while. It banishes Remus from his thoughts and body only for a short while, but a while nonetheless.

_xo_

Remus is in a cold, frozen state. He can't remember much - hasn't been able to remember anything really for the past two months. It's supposed to get better,  _isn't it?_  But no, it's gotten worst. He still remembers approaching his old flat and seeing all of his belongings, albeit their tidy, packed state, lining the doors and clearly spelling out to Remus that he was not to enter.

That it was  _over_  between them.

And Remus never even got a  _reason!_  He doesn't even know exactly why, just that Sirius lost trust in him, hates him and can't stand the thought of being with him. Despite their long, full history of  _love,_   _adoration_  and  _devotion._

They're completely over, even their friendship can't be salvaged. It just started when Remus got more and more stressed over the missions Dumbledore set him, when Sirius was sick of the secrets and lies, when he thought Remus began cheating on him, when Remus apparently did something so abhorrent to him that he had to break up with him.

_Had to tear the two lovers apart._

Remus runs a hand through his hair and smiles when Lily enters the room, cradling her baby Harry and kissing his crown. He's a few months old now. It's been four months since they broke up. Four whole months, and is now almost Christmas time - only a few short weeks away. Harry's first Christmas and they're not going to be  _together._

Remus lives back at home with his mother, the only person in his life who is steady as a rock. But at this moment, he's seated comfortably on the plush sofa in James's inherited Potter Estate from his late mother and father.

'Hey Moony,' Lily sings softly, approaching her friend and sitting next to him. She pecks his cheek and offers a sleeping Harry to him. He enthusiastically takes the small child and presses a kiss to his little nephew's forehead, stroking his silky cheek and humming quietly under his breath.

'Hey,' he says just as quietly as he continues petting Harry's peachy face. 'He's getting bigger.'

'I know, Padfoot said the same thing earlier. He can hardly believe that it's already been...' she drifts off when she realises that Remus's face is turning dangerously pale and he's really not in the mood to hear what she has to say about Sirius.

'Remus,' she sighs. 'Remus you can't ignore the fact that your best friends are best friends with him. Sirius is apart of us. We're gonna mention him and talk about him because that's what friends do-'

'He hurt me.' Remus croaks, staring down resolutely at the baby in his arms. His mouth quivers just a little and bites his lip to try and gain some control. 'And the worst part is, I don't know why Lily. I don't have a clue what I've done wrong. I haven't seen him in weeks. The last time was at the Order meeting and he didn't look at me once. I can't stand this. I want to fix what's happened between us but I don't know  _how_.'

She touches his cheek tentatively and then says in a louder voice, 'Maybe fixing your friendship is the first stage, learning why he is angry at you. What you did wrong.' Her voice breaks at this part and she shakes her head. 'For as long as I've been friends with you, Sirius has been your boyfriend. He's always been a big part of your life. Don't let this war tear you apart, eight years is worth fighting for Remus. Don't turn away from it.  _Fight_  for it.'

Harry wakes up and starts crying during their few minutes of silence. Remus can hardly even smell the pungent odours wafting around the room. He's too hard focusing on Lily's words.

She's right. He does have to fight for this.  _Eight fucking years!_  Eight years! All gone and for what? He closes his eyes and tries to think of where he would even start.

'Do you think James knows why?' Remus asks quietly, looking up to meet his dear friend's emerald eyes.

Lily shrugs. 'When Sirius asks him to keep something secret, he really does keep it secret. Ask him though - he wants you guys back together more than anything.'

'I don't want to lose him.'

'I'm sure he doesn't want to lose you too.'

_xo_

The last time they had sex was ferocious, yet it held the same tenderness and desperation the first time they had sex.

Remus can remember what it felt like, buried to the hilt inside that tight firm body of Sirius's, his eyes bleeding tears and love, his heart grazed with hurt. They both knew in that moment that they couldn't be lovers anymore, only bringing one another unbearable heat and thirst and agony.

Sirius cried out beneath Remus, with watery silver eyes, glimmering like the full moon on a rainy blurred day. He wrapped his arms and legs around his lover, refusing to let go but knowing that he would have to.

He chanted the other man's name as though Remus was his god and he had to pray and pay respect. Their bodies moved perfectly together, their every flaw fixed by the other, their every insecurity made secure and whole by the simple words of the opposite.

_Sirius was Remus and Remus was Sirius._

'Take off your clothes,' Sirius had murmured quietly, a trickle of blood from the punch falling from his lip. Bruises littered their bodies as once again, they fought and maimed one another.

_Brittle bones._

_Things can't be reversed,_  Remus thought.

'God,' Sirius cried, throwing his head back and sobbing out his intense, almost painful release. His whole body seized upwards with the orgasm, whilst Remus bore down on his and thrust with wanton abandon, his coital state spurring him on until it was almost physically impossible to continue any longer.

'I can't keep doing this,' Remus cried, wiping his tears and turning away from his lover, boyfriend, his soulmate. Sirius ignored him though and stood up, his body shaking from the intensity of their mutual orgasm. He quickly dressed and turned to glare at Remus.

'I'm going to be staying in a hotel.' He said. 'I'll be back in a few days. I'll make my choice then.'

'What if I don't want you to make a choice!' Shouted Remus, punching the closest surface and watching as glass shattered beneath his fist. Shards pierced his skin, leaving spots of blood coating the wooden floor.

He heard a sigh.

The door closed softly.

Remus waved his wand, removing the traces of cum Sirius had left on his body spitefully. He didn't want a single part of the other man anymore. Either all of him or none of him; not part of him.

Part of him was too agonising to own - it would taunt him, hurt him...

'Oh Sirius,' he breathed as he extinguished the last candle, conjured his clothes onto his body and left without another word, only returning two days later for the last time to collect his belongings and not see the other man for weeks as he ploughed through the gritty journey of falling  _out_  of what he so deeply fell  _into._

_xo_

Sirius watches him out of the corner of his eye. Remus looks more gorgeous than  _ever._  It's been what, two months since he last saw him? Harry is now a healthy baby, and when the mood strikes him, he can almost crawl. Sirius thinks  _"almost"_  because he isn't quite there, he scoots more than crawls. But it's all the same to the Marauder/Lily family.

Back to Remus.

Sirius flinches when he thinks of the man and instead focuses on how aesthetically pleasing Remus has gone, not that he wasn't before - he's always been so goddamn perfect, but he looks rougher now.

He has some stubble coating his lightly tanned skin. His now shoulder-length chestnut hair is streaked with blond from the kiss the sun gave it. He's got a smattering of freckles that stand out more on his darkened skin, a few clinging to the outline of his bottom lip. His cheeks are tinged pink and his lips seem fuller.

It's his eyes though that, like a lurch of arousal, somehow seem to sink right into the pits of Sirius's stomach and stay there. It's goddamn amazing. The usually amber brown orbs radiate gold and are larger than ever.

Sirius shivers when their eyes meet and he looks away quickly, running a hand through his shorter hair. He feels a tug next to him and glances at his godson, in the arms of James. He grins and takes Harry from his willing friend and nuzzles his neck.

'Hey there baby.'

The boy gurgles and started pinching every part of Sirius that he can reach. They're all just lounging around Kingsley's estate, enjoying the royalty of the house and yet the way they all seem to perfectly fit in and feel comfortable.

They are waiting for Dumbledore and Moody who are still not here and the heads of the Order of the Phoenix. It's alright though; they're all just getting refreshments, learning the names of people they haven't met before whilst at the same time catching up with old friends.

'You need to let him go if you and him are over.' James says softly beside Sirius. At first, he thinks the voice is from inside his  _head_  but he can feel the eyes of his best friend boring into the side of his face.

'I've let him go.' Sirius protests quietly.

'No you haven't.' The other replies. 'You haven't taken your eyes off him since he came inside.'

Sirius's throat goes dry and he hopes Remus doesn't think the same as the bespectacled Marauder. He shakes his head. 'It's because he looks so …'

'Different?' James offers.

_Not enough,_  Sirius thinks,  _maybe gorgeous, beautiful, divine, angelic. But not just_ different.

'Yeah.' He croaks.

'Well tough luck Padfoot. He's finally managing to get over you and these glances you send his way every few minutes are getting his hopes up. Leave him alone.'

_I can't!_

'I'm just looking Prongs.'  _At what I've given up, what I've let Peter separate me from._  And yet, Sirius doesn't think it's down to Peter. He's had suspicions for a while that Remus has other people on the side. How could someone like Remus ever love such a cruel, dark person like Sirius.

He doesn't even know where these thoughts came from. Maybe he really is just so insecure that he's willing to cut off the one person to love him.

Sirius bites his tongue, similar to the way he torched his dreams and froze his heart.

'Why did you leave him Padfoot?' whispers James, and he's startled to see the utmost emotion and devastation in his friend's hazel orbs.

'He doesn't love me.'

'God,' cries James and he attracts a lot of attention. 'Are you fucking blind? Are you as stupid as you're acting right now? I can't stand this! It isn't just unfair to the both of you, it's not fair to me or Lily or your fucking godson too. We can't stand it Padfoot.'

Sirius turns away and shakily pulls out his deck. He presses a harsh kiss to Harry's forehead, pushes the boy to his father and leaves as soon as he can. As soon as he's outside the doors, he runs to the tree offering shelter from the pelting rain and pulls out a cigarette, lighting it and inhaling.

If he has to blow out the candles, then why can't he light another one within him. He coughs a few times, shivering delightfully and staring at the crescent moon. It's just over two weeks until the full moon.

He doesn't even accompany Remus anymore. Peter still does, which is terribly confusing. James does too, even if he has to stay home, he'll make an appearance for as long as he can. Sirius has missed one too many moons.

He stays up the whole night, shaking, moaning, sometimes even with a random person to fuck and dominate and bury himself into. Girl, boy, he doesn't care anymore.

He lights another fag and within the space it takes for James to come out and call him back in for the meeting, he has already had five more fags and  _stinks_  of them. He trembles, eyes red from sleep deprivation and pain, body shivering from the blast of cold rain and the sudden drop in the temperature.

'Are you-'

'I'm fine.' He says.

_I'll learn from the ones I fear the most,_  he tells himself.

_xo_

Remus stares in the face of the therapist Lily has recommended he go to. The man is middle aged, reasonably good looking, and for the first time for a while, Remus isn't sure why but his stomach lurches with arousal.

He shakes his head.

'I don't know.' He replies quietly, shrugging.

'Let me repeat the question,' the older man says slowly, almost like he's speaking to a child. 'What part of this breakup has hurt you the most?'

'I don't know,  _okay!_ ' cries Remus. 'Every single part of it. All of it. The way we ended, the fact that I know he loves me still but he hates me too now and I don't know why! I h-haven't done anything wrong.' He shouts. 'I don't know what I've done wrong.'

The therapist, Mr Laurence, is tapping his chin with the pen he is holding. He looks at Remus. Then he pulls out a pad and starts scrawling on it before ripping off a page and handing it to Remus. It's a prescription sheet - the therapist is after all, a Muggle. 'Fluoxetine, 20MG, go to the pharmacy and-'

'Antidepressants?' whispers Remus. 'You're telling me to go and get some antidepressants? As if it will make everything better? As if I'll stop hurting and yearning for Sirius if I have some?'

Two hours later, Remus is at home with the pharmacy paper bag and the Prozac in his hand. He pops the pills, sits down on the sofa and watches the TV at his mother's house quietly. He's never felt so alone.

_Wide-eyed._

_xo_

Sirius sits at the bar, as a man behind him continues stroking his hair, murmuring to him how fucking gorgeous he is, asking him if he wants to accompany Sirius to the toilet with him.

Sirius follows, it's pretty hard not to when he aches for another body to sheathe himself inside of. He lets the man pull him into the disabled cubicle, as they are after all, much bigger and roomier. The man, he doesn't even know what his name is, starts kissing Sirius and reluctantly, he kisses back.

The man has blond hair, the bright sort that Remus gets when he's spent a very long time in a sunny country. He has piercing blue eyes and talented lips that are trailing down Sirius's neck as he simultaneously unbuttons his shirt.

Sirius gasps and uses the handles beside the toilet to support himself when those talented lips wrap around his erection and set to work, sucking, swallowing...

The actual fucking takes a lot longer than Sirius would have liked; this annoying blond man insists on foreplay, on drawing it out for as long as possible. But finally, when he's bent over, arse shaking in the air, Sirius buries himself in one smooth thrust and starts to wreak havoc, leaving bruises and pulling out hair as he roughly enters the man over and over.

When he's done and the other man is too, he spares a brief kiss and leaves as fast as he can, not wanting to stay for a moment longer. He transforms into Padfoot when he's in a deserted dark alley and starts to run, not stopping until he's in the field, snow wrapped like a blanket around him, and the chilling cold freezing his bones.

Freezing all thoughts but that golden brown halo of hair and those molten lava eyes.

_xo_

'I'm leaving,' Remus had shouted that first enormous fight they had. It was one of their biggest fights at that point, of course, it paled in comparison to their other eventual arguments. This however, can be seen as the turning point in their relationship.

When things became rough and feelings dimed along the way, never lost but not in their full capacity if we must categorise it, this is the moment that both men look back on and wish had never happened.

'Leave then,' cried Sirius, throwing a jacket at Remus and glaring at the other man. They were both sporting injuries on their faces, Sirius's lip was bleeding and Remus had a mark on his cheek that was steadily becoming purple and large.

'Fine!' bellowed Remus, snatching his shoes and slipping them on. 'I'm not coming back Sirius! If I leave now, I'm not coming back! You better fucking remember that before you-'

'Before I what?' the other roared. Sirius looked manic: his hair was sticking up at odd angles, his eyes were red, his cheeks flushed and his lips trembling. His whole body was trembling. He was so  _scared._

Remus had a bag hiked over his shoulder. 'Before you come running back to me.' Without another word, he turned to the door of their cosy, small flat and slammed the door.

He left chilling silence in his wake but not before Sirius screamed, 'YOU BASTARD!'

It was exactly four days after their fight when Remus came bursting into Room 28 of the Fourth Floor, where there were two inhabitants. One has the curtains drawn around her/him whereas the other is sitting proudly, two firm pillows supporting his head and a bandage wrapped around his arm. He was laughing loudly at something James was saying from his left when he seemed to feel Remus's eyes on him.

'Moony,' he said softly, looking up with twinkling eyes.

'Padfoot.' Remus replied. His eyes glazed over his lover's body: Sirius had grazes on his face and a hastily wrapped bandage around his arm. He would be treated properly soon, Remus hoped. He stepped towards his friend tentatively, ignoring the way James was staring at him or the encouraging smile Lily gave him.

Their hands touched and Remus exhaled shakily. 'You're so stupid.' He said. 'I told you to be careful on that bike. I told you to never touch a drink before riding that bike!' As he said this, his hands were running through Sirius's hair. He pulled the curtain shut so their half of the room was blocked from prying eyes and conjured a chair, sitting beside his best friend.

'You're so stupid.'

'I love you too Moony.' Sirius said quietly. His eyes dropped to Remus's lips and he bit his own. He reached out to run a hand over the other's face; his fingers brushing his lips, cheeks, nose, jaw. Then he pressed a quick kiss to Remus's cheek and looked back down.

_Shy..._

'What happened?' asked Remus as he looked at the married couple.

Lily rolled her eyes and she slapped the bit of Sirius's leg protruding from under the sheets. 'He crashed his bike whilst drunk and driving recklessly fast, what was the speed again Sirius?'

A mumble of 'Fifty eight I think,' was the reply.

Remus slapped Sirius light-heartedly. 'What were you trying to do? Kill yourself.'

'I think I'm allowed to be a little suicidal. We broke up, didn't we?'

'You think a little argument means we broke up?' snapped Remus, more out of defence than anything.

'No, but storming out of the flat and taking some of your stuff sure does suggest it.' Was Sirius's response. He reached out to cup Remus's jaw and sending a fleeting look to Lily and James, who continued to watch in avid interest, he pressed a quick kiss to the other man's soft bottom lip before drawing it into his mouth and shivering in delight.

Sirius was whispering quietly under his breath to Remus between kisses,  _'Can you come back?'_  being the most recurring question and  _'I'm sorry,'_  being his most heartfelt thought.

_Sorry._

Silly word...

_xo_

'How about I take him to the park? How does that sound Harry?' asks Remus, stroking his nephew's head and watching Lily and James curiously.

' _JAMES!_ ' a voice comes. They hear the front door slam shut. Harry starts crying. ' _JAMES!_ ' cries Sirius Black once more.

When he comes into the room, enters dramatically, albeit his genuine passion and pain, he freezes at seeing Remus. Then his expression changes from one of pain to one of immediate anger and fury.

'YOU BASTARD!' he bellows, lurching forward to grab Remus and throw him to the ground. It's a bloody fist fight that James fails to split up during the first minute or two of it.

Sirius throws as much power as he can into it whilst Remus tries his hardest to not lose control - that wouldn't be good. As much as he wants to, as much as he has earned the right, he cannot hurt Sirius right now.

When Lily returns back to the room, running from upstairs as she had just deposited her son in his crib, she flicks her wand and Sirius and Remus fly apart, levitating in the air. This fuels the former's anger and he starts screaming and spitting viciously; every syllable screaming hate and disgust.

'HE'S DEAD! BECAUSE OF YOU, HE'S DEAD! I BET YOU'VE KNOWN THIS WHOLE TIME, EH? BET YOU'VE BEEN LAUGHING AT ME!'

'I-' begins Remus, confused, but he's cut off by three words that destroy his heart, hope and resolve.

'I HATE YOU!'

_xo_

Remus has been determined; furiously fighting to stay abstinent just in case he and Sirius get back together like they so often have. But he can't. It's been almost ten months now. He's aching for it, for the love from someone else. He can't do it anymore. Sirius has so obviously had sex with many other people; he stinks of it, even Remus doesn't need to brush paths with him to smell the residue in the spare room at the Potters.

_Silence._

It's pain, something very unusual yet so constant for Remus Lupin. He walks around, the almost full moon glimmering down at him. He wants to dominate a body, fall in love, feel what he felt with Sirius for eight and a half years.  _He wants Sirius back._

'Try harder.' The voice inside his head says.

'Find out what it is. Fix it.'

_Wide-eyed._

'I can't,' another part of Remus answers back.

'Why?' he counters again.

'I can't be his lover. I only bring the heat.' Tears fall. 'We'll see.' He says. But despite that, he heads towards a spot to apparate. He's going to Sirius's flat for the first time in months. He's going to demand an answer.

The rippling crack shoots through the air, throwing birds into flight, rats into terror, insects into cocoons of fear.

A quick spell from Remus's twelve-inch wand throws the flat door open. He jumps three steps at a time for three floors before he is at Sirius's. Then it's simply a few steps before he is at the door that used to also belong to him.

_Come on, you coward, before you shy back into that bubble of yours..._

With a raised fist, Remus knocks hard three times then … steps back...

Seconds pass and his heart beats just the more faster before the door is thrown open and they look at each other, confusion mirrored on their faces.

'Moo- …' Sirius cuts himself off before running a hand through his black hair and saying, 'What the hell are you doing here?'

The lack of violence demonstrates to Remus that he's not as angry as before. A good thing, of course.

Remus stalks forward, golden hair glistening like sun rays in the bright light from the lit lamp at the doorway. His intimidating stance pushes Sirius back, until he is pressed to a wall with nowhere to step back to or run away.

'What-'

'Shhh,' whispers Remus, reaching a hand out and covering Sirius's mouth with his index finger. 'No thoughts, nothing. Just your body, that was once my property, given to me for a night. My body, what was so rightfully yours … just take it.' His face leans towards Sirius's, their breaths mingle and almost seductively, Sirius's eyes flicker down to those talented, gorgeous lips of his old boyfriend's.

'I don't und-'

'You don't need to.' Now Remus sounds like he once used to, exasperated and so in love. 'Just be with me.' Their lips meet in a furious kiss, before Sirius starts winding his hands into Remus's tawny gold hair and pulls the strands, colliding their hips together painfully and crying out ecstatically. 'Oh god,' he whispers.

It's like he never left, knowing each nook and cranny: where everything still is and probably always will be. They're in the bedroom, the divine moonlight pouring through the windows into the pitch black room, illuminating the bed and making both boys  _shineeeeee._

Shine they did.

Remus straddles Sirius as his lips glide over the body he once so thoroughly knew and claimed. He relaxes his body when the dark haired wizard begins peeling his clothing off: his trousers, jacket, shirt, boxers, socks...

Then they are naked, pressed together so intimately, cries spilling from their lips as they rub their cocks together, leaving heated kisses and touches over one another's bodies. Sirius lines himself up and thrusts in, burying his cock and his face into his lover's body as he claims him - rocks against him, wildly pistons in and out, draws out long tender thrusts, short and furious ones.

When they finish, their eyes meet and tears explode.

'You got it removed?' whispers Remus as his finger comes out to stroke where the old tattoo once was. RJL it said in pretty calligraphy. Now, nothing but a pale expanse of smooth skin. Or so he thinks. He doesn't sense the glamour Sirius has used every morning for the last half year to cover up the three letters.

'You've still got yours?' Sirius counters as he caresses the same expanse of skin now on Remus, where the hip bones meet, creating that seductive dangerous V of the male pelvis, the words blurred only slightly by blond hairs.

The werewolf turns to cover his face, his post-coital bliss fading second by second. He straightens up in the bed, pulling the sheets around him as he turns to shield the tears from the creator's watchful eyes.

_Too old to be so shy..._

Within seconds, he's standing up and re-sheathing his nudity with clothes. When he's covered and has everything he came with, he spares a glance to Sirius, who is watching him hungrily from the bed as he lays proud and naked, arm periodically moving up and down with a cigarette perched between two fingers.

_Most of us are heaving through corrupted lungs._

_xo_

'I need to know James.' Sirius says. 'Has he said anything about me?'

'Other than you fucked him and then let him leave and didn't even fight for him-'

Sirius balls his fists and shakes his head, furious at his best friend. 'Didn't fight for him? Did he even fight for  _me?!_ '

'He's fighting for you every single day!' James spits. 'You don't care about him-'

'DON'T YOU DARE!' They're out before Sirius understands what he's saying. He continues anyway. 'Don't you dare act like I didn't try. I did, I tried so hard. But Peter-' he shuts his mouth quickly and then kicks himself mentally, before he roars as loud as he can and disapparates.

James watches after him, shaking his head disappointedly and already waving his wand to conjure that stunning stag patronus of his. It comes galloping towards him and they embrace each other with forced smiles.

_xo_

Remus watches, an eyebrow raised, as James finishes his story. The bespectacled Marauder, more than anything, wants them back together. He described them as the the moon and the stars - meant for each other, shouldn't be separated, wrong when they are apart, you catch the drift.

But eyes grow more watery with each sentence, his lips trembling as James repeats specific words;  _Peter, Sirius, trust, love you still, confused, misled..._

Because that's exactly what Sirius is - confused and misled. And it's because of Peter, who has worked so furiously hard to tear their relationship down.

When James finishes, Remus takes a moment to compose himself. Then he opens and closes his mouth several times before he can find the strength to say, 'He thought...'

'He didn't think it Moony,' whispers James as he hurries forward to grab his best friend by his shoulders and shake him gently. 'Would Sirius ever think something like that of you if the idea wasn't leeched into his brain, if he wasn't  _poisoned_  over a long period of time … if he was doubting your relationship in the first place...'

'He didn't like me going off to the missions Dumbledore would send me to. He didn't like me being alone for weeks at a time, in some place where there were people who understood me more than he ever would.' Remus replies hoarsely, voice breaking as he speaks.

'Exactly.' James replies. 'But Moony,' he says, reaching out to ruffle his friend's hair. 'He hasn't stopped loving you once. You know what he still carries around in his wallet? What I keep catching him staring at? A photo strip of you and him that time you hijacked a Muggle photo booth and took as many pictures as you could.'

'Moony,' continues James, 'he hasn't given you up. Are you telling me that after all this time, you're going to finally let him go when you're closer than ever to getting him back?'

'Why do I have you get him back? Why can't he try and get me back for once?'

'Because this isn't his decision. It's yours.'

_xo_

He is suspicious of Peter for weeks afterwards, as is James. They watch their fellow Marauder: the least important, the shortest, fattest, least attractive - and like hawks, they wait until they have a chance to spring.

'I can't stand this.' Remus whispers to James during their Order meeting. 'Look at him, sitting there...'  _beside my old boyfriend._

Him and Sirius haven't exchanged a word - it's been a month now since the fatal incident of falling into bed together. He still gets hot thinking about it, the way they kept at it, made love over and over, like they were on ecstasy or something.

The scene features a lot in Remus's wanking sessions, and nothing gets him quite as aroused as thinking of it in slow, deliberate detail.

Peter sits between Sirius and Emmeline Vance. He is speaking quietly to the former, a frazzled expression on his face. Each day, the belief that there is indeed a rat in the Order of the Phoenix is strengthened - plans are failing, more people are being killed...

And it has to be Peter, right? James and Remus can't think of anyone else snaking them out.

Weird, how once upon a time, a Marauder being doubted by the others was like Dumbledore not being gay - impossible. Only now, surely there's got to be one straight part to the elder man? Surely there was and still is always going to be that one Marauder that isn't really a true Marauder.

Peter.

'Now, patrol duty this week goes to this half of the room.' Moody grunts, waving his arm around at where the Marauders, Lily, the Longbottoms, Emmeline Vance, Benjy Fenwick and the Prewett twins sit.

Within an hour, they have split into pairs and are walking down the streets most likely to be in danger. Godric's Hollow has been facing a lot of trouble as of late.

And of course, James pairs with Lily, Benjy and Emmeline, the Prewett twins together, Alice with Frank, her husband - leaving Peter, Sirius and Remus to make a group of three.

James send them a forceful look and pulls Sirius aside whilst Moody assigns streets and small sections to each pair. He grabs Sirius by the arm painfully and hisses, 'You better listen to every fucking thing he has to say before you assume anything or so help me god Sirius...'

Sirius flings the bespectacled Marauder's arm off him and glares at James as he pulls out a fag and starts smoking, ignoring the complaints coming from Lily and Alice.

'Godric's Square,' Moody says as he points on the map. 'An' I don't wanna hear no funny business from Pettigrew, ain't that right Pettigrew?'

Peter nods quickly, his mop of hair steadily getting longer at the fringe spectrum of things. His eyes are almost completely covered. He seems to be more nervous than anything, Remus thinks as he inspects the other man who is older than him by a few months, shorter than him by a good foot or so and two or three grades below him.

Peter - a different species to Remus. And not in the sense of human and werewolf. More so of the fact that he's a straight, scared, follower of a man and Remus's characteristics are defined with the more amiable, praising words - strong, smart, a leader...

'Y-yes sir,' breathes Peter.

'Alright, off you go then,' Moody says with a questioning expression on his face, almost like he is realising something very important as we speak.

Sirius is the first to disapparate, his large crack ringing through the room, a puff of smoke and tossed fag the only remnants left behind.

It's Remus next of course and finally Peter, who is extremely lucky to have not splinched himself.

The houses are dark, with the lights mostly or completely extinguished as it is after all, past midnight now.

'Wh-where are we g-going f-f-first?' Peter asks shakily. He's ignored and almost left behind as Remus and Sirius thunder around, like they are racing.

_Alone, so alone..._

Sirius snaps first. 'You better stop telling Prongs whatever you're telling him.'

'Oh, and what would that be?' Remus retorts back, his eyes boring into Sirius's star-like ones.

'Things!' he shouts back. 'Whatever it is that has him hissing at me constantly, stop telling him. You've got a problem with me, that's fine M-Remus,' he stammers, 'but don't try and separate me and James.'

'I wouldn't do that for the world.'

'Well you're sure trying to do that to me and Wormtail.'

'The question is what Wormtail's trying to do to me and you...' Remus says quietly before he can stop himself.

'What?'

There it is - complete silence. Even the trees stop humming, the insects stop moving, the wind dies out. Only the noise of hearts furiously beating can be heard. Like drums, they buzz in the air.

Sirius swallows harshly. 'I can't keep doing this.'

'Doing what?' Remus breathes.

'Being made to feel things for you when we're never going to get back together. I'm done Remus.' He says. ' _I'm done._ '

_xo_

Despite how unproductive and futile that incident may seem, it actually has more meaning than first perceived. For one, it created a feeling and confusion in Sirius. He didn't understand anything Peter said anymore.

Sirius sits around in his flat, watching television and questioning how utterly useless it is a few months later when a hard knock on the door and James's voice fills his ears.

'One sec,' Sirius shouts, half excited at the thought of maybe persuading his friend to stay the night and hang out with him like they so often used to do.

But instead, he sees James's face, filled with dread and fear now.

'James?' he asks.

'We fought him.' James whispers. The bottom to the long-haired Marauder's stomach somehow managed to almost completely disappear.

'How?' he breathes, pulling James by his arm and dragging him into the house.

'Padfoot, this is the second time and it's not even summer yet. I'm scared.' He breathes, sitting on his friend's small sofa and burying his head into his knees.

'Don't be scared,' Sirius whispers, musing his friend's hair good-naturedly whilst at the same time, trying to stop the tears in his eyes from falling. Sirius has suspected for a while now not only if there is a mole in the Order of the Phoenix but also who the mole is: he's had the thought for quite a while.

And he's scared by it.

_xo_

They move, the Potters do. They decide a house in the nice, peaceful Godric's Hollow will be enough to keep them safe for a while.

Everyone knows about their home in the Potter Estate. And though they are careful with who they tell their Godric's Hollow house about, the Potters can't do anything when it reaches Peter as much as they tried for it not to.

Yet through some luck of his own, Lord Voldemort manages to still find them when they are fighting in an Order battle. He isn't supposed to turn up but he does and it scared the life out of James and Lily. They don't want him there.

Defied for the third time.

They beat him. Well, not beat, but managed to survive and in the case of the Dark Lord, that is beating him. No one ever survives him and lives to tell the tale, lest of all it be three consecutive times.

This is when Professor Dumbledore recommends leaving the Order for a while whilst they recuperate. It isn't an easy or smart feat to waltz around in Order meetings when you have defied Voldemort three times now, the latter two being only the two of them - Lily and James, James and Lily...

It's shocking to say the least when Dumbledore hears of a  _prophecy_  during the blistering end of summer and recounts it to Frank, Alice, James and Lily; explaining in kind, slow detail the dangers this prophecy entails and the bitter facts it presents - that thirteen month old Neville and Harry are in grave danger.

He tells them to both stay quiet and out of trouble. Voldemort needs to forget about them should he ever manage to find out the power and potential the Potters and Longbottoms have.

And  **this**  is when it all starts to bitterly turn wrong...

_xo_

Sirius kisses her shoulder, having forgotten her name. Amelia … Emily … something of the sort.

The house phone starts ringing (thanks to Lily installing it for him three months ago) and this finally gets him out of bed. He stands nude and stretches, rubbing the side of his face with a hand. Sirius pulls on some shorts and hurries to the kitchen, just before the other person can put the phone down.

'Hello?' he asks.

'It's Prongs.' A chilling voice answers. 'Could you come over please?'

Without another word and the phone set down, Sirius gently wakes Amelia, tells her to dress and does as such himself. When he's changed, slightly more composed, he sees her out before apparating to Godric's Hollow. He walks to James's home and knocks on the door.

The door is answered quickly, and Sirius is sucked in by long arms which hug him tight. Then Lily is holding onto him and it's lovely.

'What's wrong James?' croaks Sirius. He's brought into the living room and sits down whilst Lily goes and makes the tea. James is pacing before the fireplace, eyes cast into it as he thinks.

Less than five minutes later, a tray of biscuits and three cups of tea are on the table. Lily has her son wrapped around her. She sits and buries her face into the nook of his neck, kissing his hair and murmuring words too quiet for the others to hear.

'Prongs?' Sirius asks.

'Not yet.' He says. 'We're waiting for two more people.' Then he taps his lips to signal silence and continues to stare into the fire, his tea remaining untouched.

That is when Sirius notices empty cups on the tray, two to be exact. Within minutes, there is the first knock. It is Dumbledore. The old man shakes hands with all of them, the grave expression turning graver as his eyes flicker from face to face - almost like he knows something they don't.

'Who else are we waiting for-?' Sirius asks but he's silenced with a  _shhh_  before he can ask his second question.

The final person to come in, unshaved, hair longer than ever, eyes more determined, is the stunning Remus Lupin. The boy that Sirius Black has always been so completely in love with.

'What is it?' Sirius shouts now. 'What's wrong?'

Lily runs her hand through her husband's hair and leans over, like she's giving him strength, before she turns to Sirius and Remus and says, 'We need one of you to become our secret keeper.' Her face fails to form a smile and it breaks, revealing her sobs beneath the surface. She composes herself quickly though and continues: 'It seems Voldemort has chosen who the family is.'

'We're the lucky couple.' James whispers, turning to face Dumbledore and tilting his head.

'We need a secret keeper.'

'I'll do it.' Sirius says plainly before anyone has even registered what is going on. He's standing to and is half way across the room to where his brother and his wife sit, joined together on the sofa and holding onto one another. 'I'm Harry's godfather, I'm your oldest friend James, I'm the one they all expect-'

'No,' shouts Remus a little too quickly. He's standing too now. 'No, I have to be the one! You can't do it Pad-'

' _I'm doing it!_ ' Sirius screams, eyes connecting with Remus's for the first time since they slept together. He stares at him and a million years pass by: he rediscovers Remus's face, his unusual eyes, long thick lashes, fuller lips, hollowed dimples.

_Heaven,_  Sirius thinks. But despite this thought, he turns his furious gaze from the man's lips to his eyes and hisses, 'I'm doing it. You need to be human.' He doesn't at all say it in a derogatory or cold way but instead like he's stating a fact … which is why it hurts all the more when Remus responds with, 'Yeah, you do need to be human.'

Then he leaves the room and goes upstairs to be with Harry.

Sirius's eyes fall down to his hands, one of which has a weird transparent drop on it. A drop of rain maybe? A drop of water?

_A teardrop?_

He's still not sure.

'...tomorrow night … if that's alright … -listening to us?...'

Yeah, he's _still_ not completely sure.

_xo_

That same night, coincidentally, is when Peter tells the Dark Lord. He's been pestered (bullied, abused, cursed) recently by the great Lucius Malfoy and Bellatrix Black, oh no, Bellatrix Lestrange actually, as of late.

The idea of them together actually freaks Peter out a little bit. They're both completely lunatic. Peter can imagine them sitting on their bed, burning each other's fingers for sexual pleasure. He shivers as he walks down the long path to Malfoy's home.

Rule Number One: never apparate to the Malfoy Manor directly. It is dumb, dangerous and the opposite of inconspicuous.

When he approaches the gate, he taps it with his wand and it lurches open upon fixing him a groan and hiss of annoyance. It is rather late after all. He kicks himself, hoping he hasn't interrupted the Dark Lord, Lucius or any of the other Death Eaters.

At last, the front door is greeting Peter's eyes and he knocks hard twice. The door is thrown open and his eyes meet the ones of Narcissa Malfoy. She is very beautiful in a traditional, aristocratic way yet at the same time not as striking and stunning as Bellatrix Lestrange. Despite her craziness, the woman really is a beautiful and rare gem.

Like Sirius Black.

Peter cringes. He can't think about the Marauders during moments like these; he'll feel all the more worst and disgusted with himself.

'Peter,' cries Narcissa, looking at something the short man can't see as she laughs. She opens the door wide, much too wide it's as if she is making a mockery of him. 'How can I help you?'

'Is M-Master L-L-Lucius awake?' he stutters, whole body shaking violently.

'Yes I am Peter.' A deep, commanding voice leers. 'How can I help you?'

There's a laugh from Narcissa as she watches the fat man and giggles to herself. Her husband sends her a half-annoyed, half-amused smirk and turns back to the pitiful excuse of a wizard. 'I kn-know where L-Lily and J-James are h-h-hiding.'

Voldemort is summoned almost immediately. Not a second is wasted.

The candles in the corridor of the front door flutter, like butterflies, before extinguishing completely.

Peter shivers, scared that he'll be torn apart by  _a wolf in a mask._

_xo_

Sirius leaves the house for ten minutes, just to have another fag. The air is cool, maybe a little on the chilly side but what's to be expected? It's the beginning of October and as days get shorter, nights get longer and Sirius continues to stream men and women in and out of his flat.

Too old to be so shy, he thinks stubbornly. He puts the fag in his mouth just as Remus comes out for one. They look at each other for endless waves of time before Sirius sighs and extends the flame hovering over his thumb to light the cigarette propped in the other man's mouth.

He turns away and continues to shake thoroughly, the fear racing through his body paralysing certain parts.  _James, Lily ... his handsome godson Harry_  … in danger. He just has to hope that the Fidelius Charm will be enough. He'll come early tomorrow too, during the afternoon maybe. But no later.

'They expect it to be you.'

'Who else can we trust?' asks Sirius, shaking his head. 'You wouldn't be able to do it even if you wanted to-'

'Who's to say I don't want to?'

'No one would want to.' Sirius replies hoarsely, batting the tendrils falling into his eyes away. He rotates slightly to get a better view of his old lover and then sighs.

_xo_

'-of Number Seven...' repeats Voldemort as he paces. Then he looks at Peter. 'What do you think will be done?'

'D-Dumbledore will p-put up d-defences.'  _Stop Peter, you've already done enough! Stop it! STOP IT!_

The Dark Lord nods, his once handsome face crinkling into a smile. 'Well done Peter.' He says in a deep, calm voice, a laugh lurking somewhere amidst his words. 'When do you think the best time to visit them would be? Now, in a few hours, tomorrow?'

_Lie, save them, lie and say tomorrow, next week, prolong it-_

'Tonight m-maybe.' He breathes.

'Within the next three hours then.' Voldemort breaths.

_xo_

Sirius gathers Harry in his arms and presses a kiss to his godson's forehead, murmuring to him, 'I'm gonna protect you? You hear me? I'm gonna do everything to protect you.' He arms tighten around the small child, dribbling sleepily on his chest and breathing very softly.

The elder man kisses the boy again and sniffs. 'I love you Harry.' Whilst he's placing the boy down, he can hear movement behind him.

It's Lily and she's shaking ever so slightly, a brave smile on her face.

'Thank you Padfoot.'

'It was no bother. He was hardly even awake at all, I think he just wanted someone to hold him for a bit.' He doesn't look at her when he says this, already feeling like he doesn't deserve the honour.

She approaches him and touches his face tentatively before pressing a peck to his cheek.

'Sirius,' she says, flicking red hair off her shoulder as she looks up at him. 'Whatever happens, take care of my babies for me.'

_Babies?_

'Of course. Harry will always be safe with me.'

'I don't just mean Harry. I mean Remus too. He's like a brother to me, and I love him so much. You need to forget whatever has been said to you and-'

'It's  _hard_  Lily, alright.' Sirius snaps before he can restrain himself. 'It's harder than it seems. I'm trying to be recognise what I see in his place and I can't.'

She steps back from him to admire her son, sleeping in the cot and holding tightly to the small teddy placed beside him; a wolf.

'You haven't even tried.' Lily replies. Then she returns to the door. 'Go to bed Padfoot. Go home and come tomorrow morning. We're all so tired.'

'Okay.' He says softly, reaching over the cot to press one more kiss to Harry's face before he leaves. He's at Lily's side and his arm is slung loosely around her shoulders and they go down the stairs to the living room which is now empty.

'They left?'

'Dumbledore has work to do but will be here in the evening tomorrow and Remus had to go.'

'Why?' Sirius asks a little quickly.

'It doesn't matter.' James says softly. He stands before his friend and smiles, opening his arms. 'All that matters is that he is still in love with you and if anything is to happen to me and Lily, we want the both of you taking care of Harry. Not just you and not just him. The both of you, together. You owe us that much.'

'I do.' Sirius breathes. He looks out at the moon beaming down through the window, its gorgeous silver light sending a glow across each object it encounters.

'I love you Padfoot.' James says. 'Thank you.'

They embrace roughly and Sirius feels his best friend tremble against him. 'Love you too.'

_xo_

The home is completely destroyed. Well, completely is exaggeration. More like  _mostly_  destroyed.

Smoke billows from the tops, creating clouds of its own - dark, omnious clouds, thick as cheese. Sirius falls from the bike, landing on glass and cutting his hands several times. He hardly notices the scarlet blood dripping from his palms.

His eyes glisten with tears that fall all too soon. He's running, screaming in pain to the front door. It's there that he is greeted with the dead body of his best friend, his brother, someone he has a hard time picturing life without: James Potter.

He drops to his knees and howls at the sky, where god must be ... if there even is one.

_xo_

Remus grunts when the sound of his front door practically breaking open fills his ears. His mother hasn't been home for a few days now, as she is off visiting family and staying safe. So it's just Remus. And yet, he feels the instinct to run to his mother and father's room, to cuddle up between them and fall asleep to the soothing touches of his father, the kisses from his mother.

He can hear crying in two different registers: a child and a grown man. Remus is suddenly wide awake. He runs out of the bedroom, down the stairs, over the banister, across the sofa until he is finally at the front door.

He wrenches it open and stares at the two people in front of him, or rather, the young man and the baby in his arms.

Sirius Black and Harry Potter.

'Sirius-'

'Moony,' cries the dark-haired man, slumping forward and barely catching himself on the door. His face shines with tears, he shivers and continues forward until his body is pressed to Remus's.

He heaves in a breath and then continues sobbing, even when Remus wraps his arms around him and strokes his hair, his own tears joining the mix.

'They're gone.' Sirius keeps crying as pitiful whimpers escape his mouth. 'They're dead.'

'Peter-'

'He t-told V-Voldemort. Lily and P-Prongs,' he stutters their names, 't-they're d-dead.'

No one sleeps that night. No one  _deserves to sleep!_ Sirius and Remus just cuddle up, locked in one another's embrace, and totally conscious of the sleeping fourteen month old child between them.

A new life is starting for them. Together? They sure hope so. With Harry … would there ever be another choice?

_-and if anything is to happen to me and Lily, we want the both of you taking care of Harry. Not just you and not just him. The both of you, together..._

_xo_

Sirius watches out of the corner of his eye as the boy with hair slightly shorter than his and a whole load lighter, knocks on the door to their compartment on the train and enters upon command.

It's James who speaks first. He's the one exchanging pleasantries. He's the one laughing, joking around, inviting the newcomer to eat all the sweets he wants.

But Sirius? Well, he's watching. Watching and noticing that at the same time, his young heart feels older than it should. He shivers and can feel the piercing gold eyes of the eleven year old blond boy penetrating every muscle, bone, cell of his body.

'Sirius Black.' He interrupts quietly, extending a hand and smiling when flesh meets flesh.

'Remus Lupin.'

'It's nice to meet you too.' The dark-haired, handsome boy says, still holding onto Remus tightly. Then he winks.

_xo_

'Together?' asks Sirius, looking at his best friend across the bed, baby Harry sleeping in the conjured crib now, the gash on his forehead healed but still vivid and jagged, like broken  _glass._

Sirens scream in the heads of the two men as they get closer to each other, bodies trembling with desire and arousal.

'Forever.' Remus breathes. He closes the gap, meets Sirius's lips and pulls the man in for a long, deep kiss. It feels like they've never been separated.

The candles in the bedroom start to light up, a flame lighting each one turn by turn.

'I never stopped loving you,' Sirius breathes against the other's lips as they meet one another's kisses tenderly, softly, passionately.

'Was anything but loving you even an option?' replies the bronze haired one, hair glinting blond like it does in the summer, under the candlelight.

'I'm sorry.' Sirius murmurs, letting his tears fall and mingle with the saliva from the kiss. He can taste his sadness: bitter and harsh. But then those gifted lips of Remus's distract him when they move to his jaw, collarbone, to the bobbling Adam's apple.

As hands itch towards the buttons of his shirt, Remus says to him when he tenses, 'Shhh, you're too old to be so shy.'

So Sirius stays the night.

_xoxo_

* * *

Thank you so much for reading. I hope you've enjoyed this. xx


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